I've been thinking a lot lately (unfortunately) about what bad things and unfortunate circumstances can teach us in our practise. Last weekend, after moving everything we own into our new house, we spent one night there, were over-run with mice, and thus subsequently moved everything we own OUT of the house and back into my parents' home. Unfortunately we spent hundreds of dollars fixing the house up, and simply couldn't afford to pay an exterminator to take care of the mouse issue. What we thought was going to be a couple mice turned out to be a couple dozen mice, and the one night our things were in that house resulted in thousands of dollars of damage to furniture and belongings. Since we just used all our money to fix up the house and move, we don't really have the funds to replace anything, so we're currently using a broken futon as a couch (since our beautiful antique couch is now a mouse condominium).

In conjunction with that, mix ups and unfortunate circumstances have resulted in my credit rating being shot to hell - how someone with absolutely no personal debt can have such a low credit score is beyond me. I supose it's a good thing though, because the temptation to take on debt to replace the broken futon is pretty tempting. I expect to fall through to the floor at any moment now.

I'm trying to have a positive outlook on all this. While it does make life harder, it also is a good lesson in non-attachment. I'm torn -on the one hand I feel like my inability to have new and pretty things means that I'm not providing for my daughter. On the other hand I feel like this is a GOOD thing. Perhaps Stella will learn a lesson that I never did - namely that 'stuff' doesn't make you happy. But while it's easy to convince a 3 month old of this lesson, I'm not sure how we'll fair when she's 13.

Ultimately, I'm being forced to reimagine what it is that I want out of life. And I see two visions here - on one hand I've finally found my passion, and know exactly how to get the job that would make me happy and content. Problem is, I suspect it pays lowsy. There seems to be that promise, lurking just out of sight at all times, of 'the job that pays well'. I know all I have to do is pick up a phone and my money problems are over.... trouble is, I have to do something that I really don't want to do for a living in order to get it. And while my Buddhist training is telling me that the ideas of non-attachment, right occupation and non-materialism should take precidence, I'm so TIRED of lying awake at night worrying about how we're going to be able to pay rent or what's going to happen when Stella wants to go to college.