I've moved again. I was feeling constrained here- I felt like if I posted anything that didn't have to do with my practise then I was somehow misusing my blog. That said, I'll still be posting here for Buddhism related posts, but for those of you interested in tracking my day-to-day, you'll want to go here.

That is all.

I've been thinking a lot lately (unfortunately) about what bad things and unfortunate circumstances can teach us in our practise. Last weekend, after moving everything we own into our new house, we spent one night there, were over-run with mice, and thus subsequently moved everything we own OUT of the house and back into my parents' home. Unfortunately we spent hundreds of dollars fixing the house up, and simply couldn't afford to pay an exterminator to take care of the mouse issue. What we thought was going to be a couple mice turned out to be a couple dozen mice, and the one night our things were in that house resulted in thousands of dollars of damage to furniture and belongings. Since we just used all our money to fix up the house and move, we don't really have the funds to replace anything, so we're currently using a broken futon as a couch (since our beautiful antique couch is now a mouse condominium).

In conjunction with that, mix ups and unfortunate circumstances have resulted in my credit rating being shot to hell - how someone with absolutely no personal debt can have such a low credit score is beyond me. I supose it's a good thing though, because the temptation to take on debt to replace the broken futon is pretty tempting. I expect to fall through to the floor at any moment now.

I'm trying to have a positive outlook on all this. While it does make life harder, it also is a good lesson in non-attachment. I'm torn -on the one hand I feel like my inability to have new and pretty things means that I'm not providing for my daughter. On the other hand I feel like this is a GOOD thing. Perhaps Stella will learn a lesson that I never did - namely that 'stuff' doesn't make you happy. But while it's easy to convince a 3 month old of this lesson, I'm not sure how we'll fair when she's 13.

Ultimately, I'm being forced to reimagine what it is that I want out of life. And I see two visions here - on one hand I've finally found my passion, and know exactly how to get the job that would make me happy and content. Problem is, I suspect it pays lowsy. There seems to be that promise, lurking just out of sight at all times, of 'the job that pays well'. I know all I have to do is pick up a phone and my money problems are over.... trouble is, I have to do something that I really don't want to do for a living in order to get it. And while my Buddhist training is telling me that the ideas of non-attachment, right occupation and non-materialism should take precidence, I'm so TIRED of lying awake at night worrying about how we're going to be able to pay rent or what's going to happen when Stella wants to go to college.

In a week filled with disappointments and regrets there is one thing that I continue to come back to that I am very grateful for. The smell of my child. A simple thing, yes. But the scent of her skin, like sour milk, salt and a faint hint of vanilla, makes my heart soar. I simply cannot be sad with her in my arms.

It doesn't get any better than this...

Hanging out with my baby girl listening to Bob Marley. Life is grand.

Our new house has a little mouse problem. Well, I guess it's only a problem if you don't want mice playing in your walls. I guess the more accurate way to say it is that *I* have a problem with the mice currently residing in our house. And while I totally get why they want to live inside our nice cozy, insulated walls, I'm not 'ok' with it. And while living with mice is nothing new to me (I'd say roughly 80% of the places I've lived I've shared with rodents - it's just what you DO in northern climates), I've never shared space with mice AND a baby. And while ordinarily I would just get some mouse traps and set them up, I'm really trying to up my karma, and I don't think squishing mice is the way to go about that.

It's like I want to sit them all down, and just let them know that they're more than welcome to hang out with me, if they'll be so kind as to not touch anything OUTSIDE of the wall area. Do you think that will work?

A Reflection on Parenting

Almost every parent has hopes and dreams for their children. Most hope for their child to be successful and to 'have more than they did growing up'... whatever that means (because we're all so poor and oppressed here in North America). I've heard more than once that 'maybe Stella will be rich and she'll buy you a nice house to retire in'.

I certainly hope not.

No, the dreams that I have for my child are much different than those of most parents. I have no desire to see my daughter become 'rich'... rich people are unhappy. How do you think they GET rich to begin with? Through placing money and the pursuit thereof as foremost on their 'to do' lists. No, I wouldn't wish that on my child for anything. When I think of her future, the only dreams I see are that she grow up knowing that she's loved. And I mean really, unconditionally loved.

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day (ok, go ahead and laugh, but he's the only one in America with any sense!) and he had on a family where the daughter had gotten pregnant at 16. The father refused to speak to her, because she had 'shattered all his expectations of her'. I was overwhelmed by the need to go pick up my daughter, hug her, and tell her that no matter WHAT, I would NEVER just abandon her like that. Who am I to 'expect' things from her? Now, I'm not saying that I HOPE my daughter becomes a teenage mother - far from it! But if that's something that she's dealt in her life, I'll be right there with the huggies and the baby wipes, every step of the way.

I had a pretty ok childhood, all things considered. And I think my parents did a lot of things right. First and foremost, they let me be myself, without trying to fit me into a mould of 'the perfect child'. No, I'm not a doctor (not yet) or a lawyer, I don't have a lot of money, and I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. But you know, I have a really strong sense of myself and, more importantly, I'm HAPPY. I wouldn't trade the life I have for anything in the world. Well, maybe I'd get rid of my student debt (damn OSAP, the monthly payments are the same as a mortgage payment!), but everything else is exactly what I imagine happiness to be. It's taken me a while (probably because I never had anyone tell me 'this is what you should do'), but I'm finally starting to figure things out. And because I've done it on my own, I know for certain that the choices I've made were the right ones. And THAT is all I want for my daughter.

A Meditation on Location

I'm beginning to get the twitch to move away from my small little town. Sure, we've got some of the best wild spaces in Canada only a stones throw from our front door. If you want to go camping it's literally a half hour drive to a remote location that's totally isolated from the modern world. And don't even get me started on the many oportunites for bigfoot sighting. Unfortunately, while these things all make for a really great vacation spot, they don't make for a very convenient place to live.

First, and more trivially, I'm starting to get frustrated at the lack of employment options in any field other than 'telephone sales agent' or 'counter attendant'. I'm doing a masters degree - I want jobs like 'researcher' and 'head of public relations'. Not to mention that my chosen field - wildlife conservation/conservation awareness - is something that most of my neighbours regard as 'hippy nonsense'. I know I'm not going to find a job that I enjoy doing unless I move about 2500km's in a westerly direction.

On a more serious note, I'm also having a really hard time with the lack of a buddhist community anywhere within an 800km radius. I have so many questions and I really feel that I need a serious teacher if I'm going to move forward in my practise. Indeed, the sangha is one of the main components to Buddhist practise. Without a spiritual community, one becomes isolated and practising seriously becomes really difficult. I strongly feel that in another life my place was in a monastary - indeed, if I didn't have my little family, that's where I'd be today.

When I sat down to write this post I had an entirely different topic in mind. Funny how things just flow from you without your even knowing that they're there. Remind me tomorrow to talk about anger- the post which I was 'trying' to write the first time.